A Zombie Clown named The Fonz

A zombie clown named The Fonz was the leading character, villainous character if you will, that starred in the motion picture illustrated and written by none other than my subconscious one night last week. Yes, yes, I am referring to a dream I had. So, I am going to paint you a vivid picture so you too can experience the horror of a zombie clown named The Fonz. I have also decided that this is one dream that is begging to be analyzed and/or interpreted, which is a feat to anticipate.

This nightmare began in Clovis, NM, which as those of you from Clovis know that the town is a small nightmare in itself at times. But, I digress and will move on to the horrific zombie clown that stalked me during a thrilling phase of REM sleep. The zombie clown known in my dream as The Fonz was an immense creature, not unlike Arnold Schwarzenegger who probably shopped at the Big and Tall store when he was a living member of society. This zombie clown also happened to have all his make-up, clown nose, clown clothes, and clown hair in grey-scale, because when you die all the vibrant colors of your face paint and wig get sucked out of your body alongside your soul. Lastly, he was a rather mean clown, and I imagine Pennywise was a close relative of his.

The reason that The Fonz was trying to kill me and munch on my flesh was never revealed, but I am certain that he fancied me dead. I was accompanied by three friends through this death-defying (for some) journey. I cannot say I can actually identify who these friends were in my real life, but they were being hunted because of me, despite our lack of intimacy with one another. The Fonz pursued us, the quartet of acquaintances, in typical zombie form with his head and torso slightly slanted to one side because his muscles were depleted, with his arms outstretched when he attempted to capture a body part, his knees barely bending and his other joints stiff and rusty, as if he needed to oil them like that stinkin’ Tin Man. He walked, or I suppose waddled is a more appropriate choice of words, after us emitting awkward yet terrifying grunting and laughing noises. (This link will lead you to learn how to walk like a zombie, in case you need further instruction: http://www.crimespreecinema.com/2010/06/walking-dead-learn-how-to-walk-like.html.)

The Fonz chased us through the neighborhoods where you would typically witness kids frolicking about in their nicely manicured lawns, or playin’ ball with their involved fathers, but today these usually joyful streets and yards were deserted and abandoned, as bare as a celebrity’s vagina. We scurried through many neighborhood streets, just out of The Fonz’s reach, before seeking a safe haven at the very delicious Bill’s Jumbo Burger. My comrades and I hurried through the doors, hurdled over the front counter into the kitchen, a couple of us snatching up a burger on the way to replenish our energy. As I turned back I saw that The Fonz was catching up to us, climbing clumsily over the cashier counter while getting sizzling, seasoned, grass-fed beef patties hurled at him, and then came the tomatoes and yellow shredded lettuce to his revolting, grey, zombie face, but The Fonz was unfazed by this because all he desired was gushy, blood-filled brains.

We then led The Fonz to a dingy local bar. My associates and I then pulled some Coyote Ugly moves inspired by Piper Perabo by jumping atop the bar and scampering across it, moving and shaking our hips (and other appendages) whilst trying to avoid the demise of the patron’s alcoholic beverages along the way. The Fonz had apparently gotten oiled up and was waddling at a rather swift pace as he was also on the bar top, a mere twenty feet from me, which meant I was a mere twenty feet from my extermination due to him devouring my brains. I stood motionless for a moment in utter shock, as I was beyond surprised at how agile this damn zombie clown was. How could he maneuver his way on top of a bar when he can barely move any of his dusty, old joints?! I soon recovered from my moment of flabbergastedness and managed to stumble out the back door of the bar by the dumpster, where I was greeted with the tangy stench of trash, puke, and other remnants of the past night, only to notice that The Fonz had consumed two of my buddies to my great dismay. I also saw my other friend, or shall I say cowardly acquaintance, peeking his head out of the dumpster, which was evidently his new hiding spot. I then realized it was me vs. The Fonz: Zombie Clown from Hell. I quickly ran through my options: Attack him using a sharp object to pierce his body and then decapitate him; or I could start scampering around in circles in hopes of confusing the dreadful creature with my circle eights and donuts, then he would get super dizzy, stumble around, and I can run away with my super-human speed. I obviously chose the second option because I am a wuss and had a deficient number of sharp objects to choose from in order to behead The Fonz. As I was fleeing I woke up, to the Wolfman barking obnoxiously.

Analysis:

Now the interpretation…I learned how interpret dreams from my high school psychology teacher. She told us to write our dream down and be as descriptive as memory will allow, and once that was done, go back through and pick out the words that really stand out to you. My words are below:

Villainous

Clovis

Immense

Vibrant

Sucked

Death-defying

Lack

Involved father (I know that’s two words, but I don’t care!)

Abandoned

Safe-haven

Replenish

Dingy

Scampering

Shock

Maneuver

Coward

Attack

Confusing

Flee

Now, once you have your words, you then think of two or three additional words that you think of when looking at the word from your description, example below:

Villainous: evil, scary. Vibrant: bright, exciting, exhilarating.

And so on. Once you have all of your supplemental words, you go through and pick one of these additional words for each of the original words you chose from the description of the dream. Then, using the chosen additional words you create a narrative, like so:

I am scared (maybe of bears attacking me, especially when I’m menstruating) because I left a place that I felt secure in (my mother’s womb). I am now feeling overwhelmed and excited with the things that are happening in my life right now (learning how to be a ninja and surfing the internet at work), but I am also scared that these new opportunities and thrills will be taken away from me and I will be left wanting them, but without them I will be, which I know would leave me scared and down in the dumps. Despite the uncertainties that linger in my mind, I know I have a protector (maybe the Wolfman?) and a place that will always make me feel safe and secure, and this gives me energy to move on (like a 5 hour energy drink), and the motivation to reach my potential and feel satiated with my life. I know that to reach the point of being satisfied I must keeping trekking (like Dora the Explorer), even if they are small steps, and that I will come across some grimy puddles of mud, but just skip over them and not be taken aback by them. Fear will accompany me at times, but I cannot let it steal my confidence like the thief that it is, I instead must hurry along to my destiny (to being a break dancing, French-speaking, nerdy, ninja who happens to enjoy crocheting while watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians).

So this is my tale of one of the worst weekends in a ridiculously long time. My mom said “I’m sorry, but you know when it rains it pours.” I love it when it rains so I didn’t like that saying, it did not comfort me in any way, so although I thank you for the great effort you put out to console me, it was an epic failure my dearest mother. It felt more like my mom should have said “Well Tara, when you get bent over and fucked in your butthole without any lubrication it hurts like a mofo.” Then I would have agreed. So, I thought I would share my weekend, because many people, including myself, find other people’s pain to be entertaining. I mean I can’t judge those who laugh at my sorrows because I read in one of my packets today that one of my kids threw a rock at a peer and he chipped the kid’s tooth! I literally LOL’d and said my kid had good aim.
So my sodomy story will start on Thursday when I start looking around on the webernet for car insurance because I was told I was paying an absurd amount of money for my car insurance. After looking around I discovered that I could save $1200 by switching to Progressive for my car insurance needs. Then, when I excitedly told my friend I realized I missed my calling in life and was deeply saddened that I had not taken the car insurance commercial career route. But, I wiped my lone tear and went about my day.
Friday started normally. Then, on my way home I called Geico to cancel my insurance policy that I had with them, since I had switched to Progressive. The Geico representative then apologized and asked how much I was saving by switching to Progressive, I proceeded to say : “$1200 a year.” She said, “Wow, that is quite a bit of money, let me look into that for you.” I listened to the soothing elevator music that calmed me during rush hour traffic, and then she got back on the phone and apologized again. She then proceeded to tell me that I was paying based on my ex’s driving record, even though I had him taken off the policy in January 2008. Now for a normal driver that may not be a huge deal, but you don’t know my ex’s driving record. I will explain: He had an extreme DUI (blew a .24), 2 speeding tickets, and one accident. His driving record was worse than watching The View. I then asked how that could be possible as I had him removed, and she replied that it must have been an oversight. Oh really??? She finally asked if there was anything Geico could do to keep my business, and I chortled and apologized but said I had no interest in being ripped off, but thanks for all your help. I wanted use that little lizard as a death star and chuck it at whoever made the minute oversight. Then I went to my mailbox which possessed this little parcel from my HOA. I opened it to find a letter that said I owe over $600 and if I do not pay in full this week they will take legal action. I was quite upset because I had never received a bill, receipt book, or anything. I was also upset because I had called 6 months ago to ask when I would be receiving my first bill, with no return phone call. I tried calling their offices but they were closed, so I would have to deal with that later as well.
Saturday I woke up early after being out until 2am, for an air conditioner guy to come fix my a/c that has been fricked up for 4 months. He did and it was only $50, which was a pleasant surprise, but hardly made up for the jewels from hell delivered the previous day. I had a hair appointment that morning- in Phoenix as usual. Just so everyone knows- I always go to Phx to get my hair done because I get cut and as many colors as I want for $50, so even with tip and gas it is usually half the cost of a good salon. So I am halfway to Phx and my damn a/c stops blowing crisp, cool air, and replaces it with musty, warm air. I did not appreciate that but I dealt with it the last 50 miles by rolling my windows down and hanging my head out the window, not unsimilar to a basset hound I suppose. I proceeded to go to my hair appointment, things went fine, and then I got into my lil shark to drive home, because I had my mom’s bachelorette party at 6pm and it was now 2pm. I started driving and it was still blowing hot air in my face, pretty much like a blow dryer on low. Then, all of a sudden cool air came back to rescue me from my sauna-esque car. I was very happy at that moment, but my bliss was stolen from me mere moments after it was given. The hot air returned to attack my face. I kept driving, once again with my windows down, hoping that would help. It did not. Right before I was at Casa Grande, the half way mark, my car started to slow down and I saw that it was overheating. I began to involuntarily slow down (but then did so on purpose) and pulled over the side of I-10 and put on my hazards, and turned my car off. I called my mom first, as I do in any situation just so she knows where I am in case I get plowed over by some car. Then I proceed to call Progressive, which makes me laugh b/c this is the first day I have insurance with them I am in need of roadside assistance already!! (Side note, I remembered my roadside assistance! Reference Scary Movie Night blog). So, I am on the phone with them for about 30 minutes when they finally say that a tow truck will be there to tow my dumb ass car to a nearby Pep Boys, but it could take up to 40 minutes for them to get to me! So I then call my mom to give her the update, and I start crying. My mother says “Why are you so upset?” I said well mom it is 100+ degrees outside and I have been sitting inside my car to make all the necessary phone calls (b/c that was the only way I could hear), and my car had black leather interior, no tinted windows, and no a/c and no water, I was told my engine is probably blown, and yesterday was a day from hell. She says to calm down it will be fine. Wow mom, you are so good at consoling me. So 39 minutes later a tow guy comes, and I asked if I could pay the difference and have him tow me to Tucson, which he agreed to. At least he was not creepy and missing teeth. I got towed to Tucson which took almost an hour and a half (it is normally a 45 minute drive), was an hour late to my mom’s bachelorette party that I had planned, and was utterly exhausted.
That was my story, just to follow up- I did need a new engine. Whoopty friggin doo. But I make myself feel better knowing that I am saving $1200 a year my switching my car insurance to Progressive.