What a fuckin start to a trip to my wonderful hometown of
So, as the story would go, or as you will hear it, it starts off on a dark and stormy night…
Not! But really this is a slasher movie style night, and I am kinda amazed I walked out alive. Shall I begin??
Well, it all started when after working for 12 hours straight, then packing, I decided to leave lovely Tucson, at 10pm, for Las Cruces, knowing I had gotten a mere two and half hours of sleep the night before. Don’t be confused, the night I had was totally worth the loss of sleep, but, I am not able to say that I was in the right mindset to 1) make any type of decision at that point, much less the decision to drive at night on that much sleep, or 2) actually make the three and a half hour drive to Cruces. But, no matter any of that, I did both of the above, still going off my high (not literally) from the previous night, and my more recent high from having induced myself into a caffeine coma, beginning with two iced teas at lunch, 3 sodas at work, a cappuccino from circle k, and a cherry coke for the road….
So, now the fun commences. I start driving. I make it about 45 minutes before I wake up to me swerving off the road towards the ditch. Not exactly a good situation to find yourself in. So, I pull over almost immediately. It was a small gas station, one like you would find in a movie that has a small town and one gas station in that whole town. There wasn’t even a convenience store attached, more like a run down building that used to house something creepy that nobody actually ever saw. It also had one fluorescent light, which, (sigh) of course, had to be flickering on and off. I knew I needed to rest my poor little ojos…so I turned my car off, put my keys in my right hand and my cellular device in my left hand. I also made the decision to put a blanket over my whole body, in hopes to appear inconspicuous. But, that blanket was a neon orange camouflage blanket. And, if that was bad enough, I also had my dear Shih Tzu with me, walking all around inside the car. So, despite my attempts to not be noticed, I am sure it was quite obvious that I was in my car sleeping. I awake 20 minutes later, no harm done to me, my pup, or my car. I start my car and drive off on I-10 towards my destination.
I drive another 45 minutes or so, until I am just outside of Lordsburg. Once again I find myself driving and sleeping, concurrently. Once again I think to myself that is not a good thing to be doing. So, huh, once again I decide to pull over. This time it was one of the rest stops that the interstate boasts about with little blue and white signs. Natasha (my Tiburon’s name) is the only car parked there, but on the other side there are 7 semi-trucks, all with their drivers sleeping soundly. I get out, let Wolfy piss on the ground, and then I decide to use the facilities, only out of necessity, not out of choice. I open the door and immediately regret having drunk so much, because I get freaked the fuck out. Out of sheer instinct I immediately being looking under all the stalls to make sure nobody is in any of them. I left the door to my stall wide open, so the killer who was gonna end my life couldn’t knock me out with the door or shut me and leave me with no escape route. I also hover over the toilet, my reason being twofold: one is, ew, disgusting! The next is I want to be able to launch myself from the seat and run if I had to…that scary, really!
I did not meet my masked murderer in the bathroom, so I get back into my car to take a lil nappy-poo.
Just a warning, the next part of this story may make people mad, because it will seem like I was being stupid, but in reality, I had very logical reasons for every decision I made, they just backfired like a bitch. So I get into my car to sleep, it was beyond needed at this point. So I decide to leave the keys in the ignition in case my murderer was to come up and knock on my window before trying to force himself into my car, then I could start Natasha and drive off and everyone would praise me for being so smart! I tried to sleep but kept hearing creepy sounds, maybe in my head but either way I heard them and that’s all that mattered at that point. So, I turned my keys to the on position, just so I could hear my music and not creepy noises (insert sighs and groans and thoughts of thinking that was stupid of me….I know, I deserve it…go on…). I did however, (this is my reason) set my alarm to wake me up in 20 minutes, so my car won’t die!! (I thought about it too….!)
Unfortunately, my festivities from the night before that stole my sleep came back to haunt me and I slept right thru that alarm….for an hour and twenty minutes!!!!!! EEEK!!
Needless to say Natasha died on me during my slumber. I awoke, realized what time it was, and tried to start my car, to no avail. I then decided to walk by all the semi trucks, once again ready for my murderer to pop out from under one of the trucks and slice my throat. I mean, c’mon, I’m at a rest stop outside a small ass town in the middle of nowhere at 2 in the morning, this little guera, with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a 10 pound dog, could it get any more stereotypical murder-movie like?? Really really doubt it. I walk about a blocks distance to the Chevron across the way that is all lit up and had a car with lights on top of it. Yay!!! ‘A nice someone to help poor lil ol’ me’ I thought!! As Wolfy and I walk up, there are huge black roaches, literally two inches long and two inched tall- they were on fuckin roids for real!! Wolfy is even scared of them. And of course there has to be one of those hanging bug zapppers with the neon light that goes “BZZZIT” when a brainless bug flies into the light! Creepy! I get up to the car with lights only to discover, to my dismay, that it was (a real car but) part of a lil scene set up thingy, like a small town scene by the gas station. How annoying was that at this point. Also, all the lights in the gas station were on but the sign said closed. I did not knock for fear that Chucky or Jason would jump out and chop my head off. I get mad and start walking back to my car.
A maroon Corolla drives up to the Chevron so I turn my ass around and walk back. I explain to them (a man and woman, about 40ish) that my car is dead, and asked if they would mind jumping my car. They spoke broken English but understood me. The man said he didn’t have room in the back seat but would meet me at my car. I told them I didn’t want a ride anyways, I’d rather walk, but just to follow me to my car. He said okay, and started driving behind me. So as I turn to go towards my car, the fucker turns in the opposite direction and got on the fuckin freeway. The bastard left me, stranded, at !!!! So I am fuming now, walking back to my car. I tried to start it once again, surprise surprise, with no luck. I walk by the semi’s again, almost hoping someone would jump out just so I could ask them to help me... “Do you have a car where you store the rest of your bloody knives or ropes to hang people with so I could try to resuscitate my car?” I see a few more cars act like they are going to go to the beloved Chevron but they keep turning onto the freeway instead. This whole time I keep walking back and forth by the semi’s hoping one of the cars will see me and pull over or a truck driver will feel my presence and wake up and offer their assistance.
Within 30minutes of the Corolla leaving, two pimped out cars, a black Mustang and a white Tahoe, pull up to the Chevron. I walk my ass over there, adorable lil dog in hand (her flat face makes it hard for her to walk a lot so I had to start carrying her!). I tell them my story, car dead, got left, yada yada yada…. And once again they speak little English, but they understand me. In the Mustang is a man and woman and the Tahoe housed three dudes, surely I could have some luck with these guys…. The mustang man asks if I have cables. Yes I do and I know how to work them, all I need is 10 minutes of your time please sir…in jumps his wife, with an emphatic NO. Uh, what? Excuse me? No, I ask? “Uh, ya we have a digital computer screen in the car and if we jump yours it will mess it up.” Huh, I was pretty sure that Ford wouldn’t make a car that couldn’t be jumped…but what the fuckever….. All the while the three fuckers in the Tahoe listen and go “Huh…” and that’s it. All of the fuckfaces drive off….with me and my small ass dog standing by the road at , royally pissed the fuck off.
Now you can get really mad….as I walk back, kinda hoping Chucky would kill my ass, I remember I have roadside assistance. ARGH!!!!!! So I call them and within 20 minutes a man in his 60’s, missing his two front teeth (not joking) jumps my car. Wouldn’t it have been funny if he was my murderer?? HAHAHA….well there is my slasher movie story…I then proceeded to drive, without falling asleep, to
Point of the story…just remember roadside assistance!