Happy Halloween!

Here is my Halloween wreath- oh yeah. 

Moselle Happy Haunting Banner!

And my spider pumpkin.

Grilled Zucchini Y'all

So, this weekend the boyfriend was grilling steaks. I asked him to grill the zucchini too, please. Now, he had a myriad of questions to ask about how I would be preparing this zucchini as he is not a huge fan (he find it can by a tad too mushy in texture). I told him I would brush it with olive oil, then dust it with garlic salt and pepper, he will grill it, then a light sprinkle of parmesan cheese would top it off. Miraculously, he agreed to partake in the grilled zucchini. I LOVED IT! It was so yummy I think I could eat it everyday. That's all.

Enjoy!

Pretty much a book review, but not quite: An Unquiet Mind

Long had I lain thus, craving death,

When quietly the earth beneath

Gave way, and inch by inch, so great

At last had grown the crushing weight,

Into the earth I sank till I

Full six feet under ground did lie,

And sank no more,—there is no weight

Can follow here, however great.

From off my breast I felt it roll,

And as it went my tortured soul

Burst forth and fled in such a gust

That all about me swirled the dust.

-Millay, Renascence

This is an excerpt from a poem Jamison mentioned in her book; she said that it described her cyclic journey into madness. I felt these lines were very representative of her battle with moods, going from desiring death to having hypomania swirling about her in a gusty, yet invigorating way. Jamison’s journey into madness, as she puts it, and her recurring struggle with managing her intense moods, was the focus of the book. I unquestionably learned a great deal from her; not only did I acquire knowledge about manic-depressive illness (or bipolar, as it is referred to in the DSM-IV-TR), but also about my own, personal and intrinsic beliefs about the mental illness and its symptoms.

It seemed as if Jamison’s very clear intention in writing the book was education: furthering the public’s knowledge about the illness was a goal she had always worked for. This goal became more evident after her conversation with Mogens Schou, where the two related over having personal experience with the illness as their driving force in learning more about it and helping those who have manic-depressive disorder. I felt there was an underlying motivation, one of a more personal nature, which also showed itself in Jamison’s overall intent in writing the book. She mentioned numerous times her fear of ‘outing’ herself by revealing her illness to her all of her colleagues, and to the general public, for fear of having her clinical privileges rescinded, or for being termed ‘inappropriate,’ ‘unstable,’ or, ‘biased’ in her work. Throughout her life she has experienced positive and negative reactions from friends and co-workers when revealing her illness, and it seemed as if this book was another way to reveal herself, and still see that she can be taken seriously as a professional and as a person. I appreciated all reasons for her writing this book, and I am sure there are more intentions in publishing it than what I named.

I have been in the mental and behavioral health field for about four years, working with children and adolescents. Although I have contact with adults (families and parents), I usually do not obtain their psychiatric history, so I have not experienced anyone who has described a full-blown manic episode. I have completed assessments with children who I believe had hypomanic episodes; but the symptoms in children can be displayed in very different ways than in adults. I was intrigued from the very beginning, as part of me thought that there were very few people who actually has such intense manic (and depressive) episodes. Additionally, I had my own biases turned topsy turvy after reading this. I work with people who have AHCCCS (Arizona’s version of Medicaid,) so many of the people I work with on a daily basis do not have the higher education that Jamison did, and I will admit that I had a personal assumption that people with such a ferocious variety of mental illness would have difficulty functioning day to day. Although she mentions the struggle to work, among other daily life activities while in her depressive states, she generally can maintain her typical day to day life activities, and I think she does so with grace. The fact that she was able to obtain tenure in the midst of such an intense illness definitely says that my initial thought was wrong, that people with mental illness can handle and succeed in high stakes jobs that are filled with stress and crucial obligations.

I would say the biggest lesson I learned in reading this book, even before the lesson was stated explicitly, was that of suicide and my thoughts connected to its meaning. I grew up being told and thinking that suicide was a selfish way out, and that one attempted suicide because it was easier than other ways of treating or dealing with problems. I vividly recall Jamison stating that she felt she was an immense and undue burden to her family, friends, and at times colleagues and her psychiatrist. She felt that it would be better for them if she no longer had to be watched and taken care of, and not to mention that she didn’t see a purpose to live when she was experiencing her black depressions. While reading this section I had a mini-epiphany, if you will. I realized that people who are suicidal may not be thinking only of themselves, but of helping others by ridding their loved ones from the turmoil and stress they feel they are causing. Suicide may not always be a selfish act, I learned that the person may feel they are being considerate of others while ridding themselves of their own personal pain. For this reason alone I would highly recommend this book to others. I feel that there is an abundance of reasons to recommend this book, in addition to the aforementioned: advocacy to reduce stigma, education that mental illness does not mean a person is bad (sometimes they have little or no control over what we call symptoms), this book taught me to be a better friend, and probably a better person (in reacting and interacting with others), and lastly, I believe I have a renewed passion for my work and my life in general.

Initially I would say I felt that her target audience was people who were interested in manic-depressive disorder, but after completing the book I feel that her audience is of a wider birth, perhaps extending to skeptics, those with the illness, practitioners, and lay people who are looking for an honest memoir to read. I feel like this would be an interesting read to spark an interest in beginning social workers. I think she makes an excellent point, which all of us need to remember about many mental illnesses, “It is an illness that it biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it.” I think that we too often forget that point and at times believe that people with such an illness are acting certain ways because they chose to, not because their body is compelling them to do so.

Another aspect of the book that I adored was her penchant for telling us that creative and different people are not crazy. I loved that her undergraduate professor told her that her Rorschach responses were creative and he praised her, instead of condemning her for having such ‘out of the box’ remarks. I agree with her in the sense that if we do find a gene that is connected to this illness and it can be tested for before birth, that people may chose not to proceed with the pregnancy, thus shrinking the potential number of such (possibly and potentially) great minds. It is a personal belief that many of society’s greatest discoveries  could have only been found by people who don’t think like ‘normal’ people. 

I am not very familiar with the disorder or being in remission from it, but I did notice a pattern. She seemed to go into remission when she was less stress (in London or Scotland), it was when she felt free and happy. I wonder if remission is related to environment and if so how we can use this to benefit treatment. Lastly, her discussion on wording, labeling, and stigma have a very direct thread to class discussion. I enjoyed her idea of calling the illness what the person who has it wants to call it. I think this adds to the  idea of empowering the person also.

I would highly recommend this book to others. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and I took a lot from reading it. I am not sure that there is anything I would change about the book, I think its strengths of teaching lessons we can all benefit from learning, and whatever weaknesses it may have, are a lovely metaphor to her life, it is made better only with both present. 

Green Chili, cheese, & olive chicken

I made green chili with cheese and olive chicken tonight.

I got the recipe from this great blog, For the Love of Cooking  loaded with delish recipes. I made one small change, I used fresh green chilies and roasted them on the grill instead of using canned ones. I get my chilies from the Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) which provides shared of fresh, locally grown fruits and vegetables. Being part of the CSA has been great for me, it forces me to not only cook, but cook using produce I may not normally buy. If you feel like joining the Tucson CSA, or just perusing the website for more info, click here, Tucson CSA.

The verdict: good! I would probably add more green chili and more cheese next time, but I think that is just because I love both of those ingredients. Definitely serve this with black beans or something. I will make this again. 

Happy eating. 

Alright, it’s cake pop time. Yes, I am rather aware that I’m behind on this new (to my kitchen) trend. And this will not be a tutorial (although I will include the link to the tutorial I used),  this is more like me experience with making these treats.

I used the tutorial on Cake Pops Recipe. I used a pretty basic one, but if you feel adventurous this site has tons of different flavors and styles of cake pops.

I have made these suckers (pun intended) twice. I had a par-tay, and made them for that, but also made them a month prior to the party to get a feel for how it would go.

I like the recipe, and I think I finally found out what makes these babies really pop (yes, another pun, which was again intended).  So, the tutorial says that you need to add about half a container of icing, I found I needed ¾ to 1 container of icing. I personally love cream cheese frosting so I used it the first time I made these. I (and others) found the pops to be good, but very rich. The next time I made them I used a buttercream frosting, which was exponentially better in mine and others opinions. The buttercream allowed the pops to have a lighter taste and texture which was very lovely.

I would suggest, like the tutorial, to keep the cake balls to about 1 inch in diameter, this size seemed to be great, one bite and not too big/heavy so that the cake balls fall off the candy stick.

Next, I definitely recommend chilling the cake balls in the refrigerator overnight to firm up. I never tried it without doing this, but I am also a rather anxious person who assumes that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, especially when it is remotely related to me being in the kitchen.

Another tip, do not forget to dip the sticks in melted chocolate before inserting the stick into the cake balls. I happened to forget on half the batch for the party and believe me, we have more than a handful of casualties.

I got my melting chocolate from Michaels (craft store). The regular and dark chocolate melted perfectly fine in the microwave, but the white chocolate did not. I tried to elt the white chocolate in the microwave (because it said on the package I could) but it burnt. So the next time we used a double boiler to melt it and this worked great. Sid note: With the double boiler I needed an assistant (my wonderful boyfriend) because the chocolate needed to be stirred often.

I put my cake pops in the refrigerator to cool and then I would put clear candy wrappers around the pops.

The first day or work, which includes making the cake and the balls takes about 2-3 hours (this includes baking and cooling time). The next and final day takes about 1-2 hours, depending on how many pops are made.

Good luck and enjoy!!

The Picture of Dorian Gray: Book Review

Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray is a thought-provoking novel that vacillates between ambling, seemingly directionless conversation and a riveting narrative thread that eventually bubbles up to the surface with the intensity of a volcanic eruption. The Picture of Dorian Gray, though not much more than a century old, has already been deemed a “classic” by literature-lovers, and after reading the book, I can understand its status. Wilde’s command of the English language is almost unparalleled in recent literature. I heard about this book when I was 20, there was a local band who called themselves Dorian Gray. And, with my love of classic books, I decided it was time to snuggle up with the book. The gist of the plot is: Dorian Gray is a young man whose physical appearance is particularly handsome and innocent. A friend and aspiring artist paints a beautiful portrait of Dorian. Dorian makes a wish that he would always look like his youthful appearance in the portrait and the picture would age with time. The wish is realizes and Dorian remains the same – youthful and charming, while the portrait begins to transform itself into the image of his soul. When Dorian embraces a life of hedonism, he uses his good looks and charm to obtain whatever he desires in life. Over a period of twenty years, Dorian becomes a monster on the inside (which is reflected by the portrait of his soul) even as he remains youthful and innocent on the outside. Dorian’s hedonism is triggered by his first meeting with Lord Henry Wotton, who says to him that the only way to rid oneself of a temptation is to give in to it( because if we resist it our soul will grow sick with longing for forbidden desires). The book is like a snowball if you will, it starts out small and slow going, the deeper into the book you get, the bigger and faster the snowball gets. The beginning of the book is filled with curious ideas and sayings from the devious Lord Henry, but then the book goes onto vague descriptions of Dorian’s self indulging behaviors. Near the end I did not want to put the book down.
Side notes:::

Spider Dream

Alright, dream blog again. About a month ago I had a dream that the boyfriend and I were asleep on the couch. I wake up to find a large spider creeping down on a skinny little string of spide-y silk, just creeping from the pull string of the ceiling fan. The spider is this oversized, Cyclopes-like creature as it has only one bulging eye, with black and white striped furry legs. Pete (the boyfriend) woke up after hearing my shrill scream, as I’m not a fan of spiders (in real life or in my dreams). Pete then grabs the spider, rushes to the kitchen, where he washes it and then runs over to me, coddling the creature in between his closed palms, and I’m backed into a corner. He then outstretches his arms as if he has some lovely parcel to present to me, but unfortunately the parcel is still the spider, all curled up in Pete’s hands as he bestows it to me. As he does this I yell, “NO! You are crossing my boundaries!” And then the dream abruptly ends.
I could do my own dream interpretation, but it’s been too long, so I will let the internet do the interpreting on this one. First off,
Spider: According to Dreammoods.com, to see a spider in your dream, indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or perhaps you want to keep your distance and stay away from an alluring and tempting situation. The spider is also symbolic of feminine power or an overbearing mother figure in your life. Alternatively, a spider refers to a powerful force protecting you against your self-destructive behavior. If you kill a spider in your dream, then it symbolizes misfortune and bad luck. To see a spider spinning a web in your dream, signifies that you will be rewarded for your hard work. You will be promoted in your job or recognized for your achievement in a difficult task. Spiders are also a symbol of creativity due to the intricate webs they spin. On a negative note, spiders may indicate a feeling of being entangled or trapped in a sticky or clingy relationship. It represents some ensnaring and controlling force. You feel that someone or some situation is sucking the life right out of you. Alternatively, if a spider is spinning a web in your dream, then it could be a metaphor for the world wide web and global communication. To see a spider climbing up a wall in your dream, denotes that your desires will be soon be realized.
Wash: According to Dreammoods.com, To dream that you are washing yourself, indicates that you are proud of your social life and personal endeavors. You may even receive some recognition and prestige. Alternatively, the dream represents the cleansing away of unhappy experiences or neglected emotions in your life. You are ready to make a fresh new start. To dream that you are washing your hands, suggests that there is a worrisome issue that you need to work through. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are not taking responsibility for some matter. You need to let go of old emotions and past relationships. It is time to get the negativity out of your system.
Coddle: There was no real interpretation for coddle, but the definition according to Encarta dictionary, to coddle is to treat somebody in an excessively protective and indulgent way, which is exactly what I felt Pete was doing to that silly spider.
Present: And lastly, according to Dreammoods.com, to dream that you receive a gift, indicates that you are being rewarded and recognized for your generosity and giving nature. You are held in high esteem by those around you. If someone gives you an inappropriate gift, then it suggests that you are the subject of unwelcome attention from someone. If you dream that you give someone an inappropriate gift, then it suggests that your true nature will eventually be exposed. To open a gift and find something disgusting inside, symbolizes disappointments or unexpected failures.
What I can gather from the above info, is this:
I’m a feminist that feels like an outsider at times. I saw a string of a spider silk, not a whole web, so that can related to creativity and feeling trapped, but not fully since there was not a full-blown web, so possibly I was feeling like I wanted to be more creative than I was being at the time. Pete washing the spider could mean that Pete was giving me his blessing for a new start to something and he was helping me push the negativity away (how supportive is this ‘dream boyfriend’?!). The fact that he coddled his ‘blessing’ to me for a new start, shows that he really is supportive, and is willing to protect me during this cleansing of bad and the bringing in of the new awesomeness (whatever that may be, haven’t figured that part out yet). Lastly, how Pete presents me with the spider, that part is more confusing. I am receiving a gift (to him it is an awesome gift for me), which means that I am being rewarded or essentially I am appreciated by those around me. But the fact that I thought the gift was disgusting represents failures. Perhaps the disconnect is in the perception, I feel like I will fail at this new start, but Pete, consistent as he is in the dream, is still showing me his appreciation and how much he recognizes my strengths. I’m not sure what this new beginning is yet, maybe this was a premonition dream and I have something new and fun to come, or perhaps I’m just not very observant and the negativity has already been pushed aside and my fresh beginning has begun without my realizing it. I’ll keep you updated!